Three boxes....or four, depending on your perspective

I have an very interesting quandary today. I know HOW I want to express what's going on inside of me, but I don't know WHAT to say. Like, I have the frame, but inside is a blank canvas. This should be interesting....

Today I note a pivotal change in the way I perceive and will now probably live my life. All of this has been building for a while now, with the financial limbo cattle prodding a deeper awakening. So as the day's have gone by, I've pictured my insides playing out in three boxes simultaneously, like when a newscaster is asking three supposed "experts" for their opinions on the latest human drama and each talking head is framed on one screen. So, picture it, a screen with three boxes, each filled with a part of my guts.

One is lamenting the limbo and crying "what will we do?", "what did we get ourselves into?" and "how will we get out of this and go on with 'life as we know it?' " Oh, dear me!

Another is screaming at me and whomever else will listen: "what's wrong with you...go 'get 'er done' ", raise the roof, fight for what's 'rightfully yours', don't bother taking names, just go kick some ass!"

Number three is staying fairly calm and remembering to stay in the present, take action only when necessary, holding steady with hope AND a wait and see attitude. The calm in the intermittent storm, or so I thought.

Then, today I experienced Box number 4. I've experienced this before in my life, and at this point, know it has yet a deeper meaning. It began with a sickening feeling of loss that manifested in a stomach ache. Tears, about anything and everything, fell and fell, then fell some more. Then a sensation that my stomach is being pulled from the inside out and there is no safe ground to go to. What is this experience? The realization that I'm NOT in control, can't will things to "go my way" and that I made a universal request for this experience so that I could challenge my ego to move out of the control center and into partnership. In short, the next step on my spiritual journey...to focus on what I have to offer humanity and let go of my physical/financial/ego concerns. That is what is being asked of me, by the guts in this box. Move over, who you think you are or should be, and move in, true self. True life. True calling.

For any or all of you reading, trying to figure out what this all means...you are not alone. I don't know either. What I realize is that, in the end, this is not about investments, placements, trustees, financial security/future, being a victim, being a victor, boats, a lifestyle or even the outcome. It's about a challenge I (and probably WE) have signed up for that's taking us somewhere in life we didn't consciously decide to go. But since we are going, I'm going to surrender and let it take me. I know it will take me, and us, someplace we really wanted to go deep in our souls. That I trust and that is what I'll be talking about from now on. The rest is just noise.

Thanks for "listening"
I love you, Linda