Well, guys and gals, since I wrote last, it's been three months of "hell in the hallway." I use that expression not because everyday/event/revelation has been painful or hard, but I was realizing then what I now know...I'm in between two doors that each represent different life realities. That leaves me standing in the hallway, out of my now "past" life, hand on the doorknob of the new one. Not much view yet. And, as it is a widely uncomfortable place for the ever-wanting-to-know-and control ego to be, it's hell in the hallway!
I've accepted the reality that my/our lives were meant to change, that we move forward with much less financial resources, and uncertainty about every aspect of our lifestyle. I've gained cool new work (professional speaking finally!) and broken some old patterns. But the pressure I put on myself has been tremendous and this morning something finally broke open. I'm not sure how it happened, but it sure inspired me to write!
For one, I had a dream about our dream. OK, mostly my husband's dream...the Catamaran. The desire for the realization of this dream propelled me into a fog from which I made choices I still don't fully understand. But that's a different subject for another day. In my dream, Lance handed me what looked like a folded up tent. I was holding it in my hands and asking him, "what is this?" And he said, "it's our boat." Of course, I thought he was nuts! Then he pulled a string that was hanging off the left side and the package propelled out of my hands and began opening, expanding and morphing into this huge Catamaran. As I backed away, stunned, Lance offered his hand to me and we walked aboard. At first soft, like a balloon or inflatable dingy would be, the inside got more and more solid, eventually turning to wood. I walked through the hulls, opening doors that led to huge staterooms, heads (bathrooms)....even a piano in the galley! My sister in law Tena was there and kept commenting on how beautiful it was and how lucky we were to live there. I was thrilled for both Lance and I. The dream ended while I was thinking about how we could pull a string and the entire boat, furniture and all, would go back quickly to a package I could hold in my hands!!!
As I mulled this dream over and headed out for my morning walk, two coyotes were crossing the pool parking lot less than 50 yards in front of me. They were not the skinny, hard on your luck coyotes I normally see in Tucson. Full on hardy and healthy, I gasped when I saw them and the one taking up the rear turned around to look at me. He paused, even as his partner sprinted ahead and stared at me and I felt there was a message in that stare, in that encounter. In the animal symbol world, the coyote means trickster/insight/playful and the concept of duality..seeing both sides of a situation. Somehow this makes complete sense to me, and I can't yet totally explain why. That seems to be the way of much in life right now and I am learning to be OK with it. I just won't know what it all means. I'll go day to day and deal with what's in front of me because plans live in the coyote world....they are a joke, a trick. And yet, I realized I'm taking it all too, too seriously. Enough for now...thanks for listening!
Love, Linda

Three boxes....or four, depending on your perspective

I have an very interesting quandary today. I know HOW I want to express what's going on inside of me, but I don't know WHAT to say. Like, I have the frame, but inside is a blank canvas. This should be interesting....

Today I note a pivotal change in the way I perceive and will now probably live my life. All of this has been building for a while now, with the financial limbo cattle prodding a deeper awakening. So as the day's have gone by, I've pictured my insides playing out in three boxes simultaneously, like when a newscaster is asking three supposed "experts" for their opinions on the latest human drama and each talking head is framed on one screen. So, picture it, a screen with three boxes, each filled with a part of my guts.

One is lamenting the limbo and crying "what will we do?", "what did we get ourselves into?" and "how will we get out of this and go on with 'life as we know it?' " Oh, dear me!

Another is screaming at me and whomever else will listen: "what's wrong with you...go 'get 'er done' ", raise the roof, fight for what's 'rightfully yours', don't bother taking names, just go kick some ass!"

Number three is staying fairly calm and remembering to stay in the present, take action only when necessary, holding steady with hope AND a wait and see attitude. The calm in the intermittent storm, or so I thought.

Then, today I experienced Box number 4. I've experienced this before in my life, and at this point, know it has yet a deeper meaning. It began with a sickening feeling of loss that manifested in a stomach ache. Tears, about anything and everything, fell and fell, then fell some more. Then a sensation that my stomach is being pulled from the inside out and there is no safe ground to go to. What is this experience? The realization that I'm NOT in control, can't will things to "go my way" and that I made a universal request for this experience so that I could challenge my ego to move out of the control center and into partnership. In short, the next step on my spiritual journey...to focus on what I have to offer humanity and let go of my physical/financial/ego concerns. That is what is being asked of me, by the guts in this box. Move over, who you think you are or should be, and move in, true self. True life. True calling.

For any or all of you reading, trying to figure out what this all means...you are not alone. I don't know either. What I realize is that, in the end, this is not about investments, placements, trustees, financial security/future, being a victim, being a victor, boats, a lifestyle or even the outcome. It's about a challenge I (and probably WE) have signed up for that's taking us somewhere in life we didn't consciously decide to go. But since we are going, I'm going to surrender and let it take me. I know it will take me, and us, someplace we really wanted to go deep in our souls. That I trust and that is what I'll be talking about from now on. The rest is just noise.

Thanks for "listening"
I love you, Linda

What a day, what a day!! Just as my fear about the financial limbo we are living in pushes me into nausea, I get news that shifts it in a blink! My step son Tyler, and his fiancee, Katie, call Lance and ask him to put them on speaker phone. He then proceeds to let us know that they are calling to give us our new "titles". New "titles", we ask? Yes, Grandpa and Grandma! Wow, what an incredible gift! I admit to them that I've been ooing and ahhing over my friend Margaret's beautiful grandaughter and feeling jealous. How this news lifted me! Why, I ask myself. Sure, it's cool news, but to be reduced to a sobbing with happiness mess for 10 minutes after the call goes beyond "cool news." I realize, that in the midst of facing so much uncertainity and possibly loss, an ending of sorts, there is always new life right around the cornor. I knew that, but how amazing it was to be reminded in such a perfect and literal way!!
I also got the pleasure of virtually walking with my son through the process of purchasing a new car. It was fun to be a part of it. Then I realize what I've been doing, as I've been struggling. Removing myself from the precious people...the members of my family...who know and love me the best. Whether they be my family by blood or family by spirit, I've got to remember that they are my touchstone. Always. Thanks for reminding me...especially Tyler, who has known intuitively his whole life the power and connection of family.
Love to all,
Linda

Sorry sweet blogspot, for abandoning you so completely over the last 8 months! I picture you sitting out here, in cold internet limbo, wondering when or if I'd visit again, to fill your pages. Ah, only I would think to assign human qualities to a blogspot!!

So, I'm here and it has been a bizarre, amazing, difficult and confusing 8 months. As far as writing, I've accomplished more than ever. Though I'm on the third chapter, I've had entire periods where I write every day and really live the story on the page. Other times, like now, I'm in a holding pattern. Part of that is due to a huge financial challenge that threatens to take me back out to the working world. I actually wouldn't mind that much at all, but all is in limbo and there is no clear answer about what way it will come done. Living day to day in that limbo is as big a challenge as I've ever faced. It's truly helping me let go of not just being in control, but knowing anything...and having to just trust, trust, and trust again that all has it's purpose and that my sub or super conscious volunteered for this experience. Too bad my conscious mind was not on board.

Then again, it's happened before in my past and my life came out on the other side more beautiful and profound. So, it will happen again...and again...and possibly again. Let's see, how many more dark night of the souls can I go through before I make the biggest leap? I'm 55 now...I'd say 4 or 5 more at the rate I'm going!!??

This probably won't make sense to anyone but me, and even that's a question mark. But if you are out there and "listening", thanks.

Love all, Linda