an inspiration station

2009-10-19T09:02:00.000-07:00

Well, guys and gals, since I wrote last, it's been three months of "hell in the hallway." I use that expression not because everyday/event/revelation has been painful or hard, but I was realizing then what I now know...I'm in between two doors that each represent different life realities. That leaves me standing in the hallway, out of my now "past" life, hand on the doorknob of the new one. Not much view yet. And, as it is a widely uncomfortable place for the ever-wanting-to-know-and control ego to be, it's hell in the hallway!
I've accepted the reality that my/our lives were meant to change, that we move forward with much less financial resources, and uncertainty about every aspect of our lifestyle. I've gained cool new work (professional speaking finally!) and broken some old patterns. But the pressure I put on myself has been tremendous and this morning something finally broke open. I'm not sure how it happened, but it sure inspired me to write!
For one, I had a dream about our dream. OK, mostly my husband's dream...the Catamaran. The desire for the realization of this dream propelled me into a fog from which I made choices I still don't fully understand. But that's a different subject for another day. In my dream, Lance handed me what looked like a folded up tent. I was holding it in my hands and asking him, "what is this?" And he said, "it's our boat." Of course, I thought he was nuts! Then he pulled a string that was hanging off the left side and the package propelled out of my hands and began opening, expanding and morphing into this huge Catamaran. As I backed away, stunned, Lance offered his hand to me and we walked aboard. At first soft, like a balloon or inflatable dingy would be, the inside got more and more solid, eventually turning to wood. I walked through the hulls, opening doors that led to huge staterooms, heads (bathrooms)....even a piano in the galley! My sister in law Tena was there and kept commenting on how beautiful it was and how lucky we were to live there. I was thrilled for both Lance and I. The dream ended while I was thinking about how we could pull a string and the entire boat, furniture and all, would go back quickly to a package I could hold in my hands!!!
As I mulled this dream over and headed out for my morning walk, two coyotes were crossing the pool parking lot less than 50 yards in front of me. They were not the skinny, hard on your luck coyotes I normally see in Tucson. Full on hardy and healthy, I gasped when I saw them and the one taking up the rear turned around to look at me. He paused, even as his partner sprinted ahead and stared at me and I felt there was a message in that stare, in that encounter. In the animal symbol world, the coyote means trickster/insight/playful and the concept of duality..seeing both sides of a situation. Somehow this makes complete sense to me, and I can't yet totally explain why. That seems to be the way of much in life right now and I am learning to be OK with it. I just won't know what it all means. I'll go day to day and deal with what's in front of me because plans live in the coyote world....they are a joke, a trick. And yet, I realized I'm taking it all too, too seriously. Enough for now...thanks for listening!
Love, Linda

Three boxes....or four, depending on your perspective

2009-07-07T17:54:00.000-07:00

I have an very interesting quandary today. I know HOW I want to express what's going on inside of me, but I don't know WHAT to say. Like, I have the frame, but inside is a blank canvas. This should be interesting....

Today I note a pivotal change in the way I perceive and will now probably live my life. All of this has been building for a while now, with the financial limbo cattle prodding a deeper awakening. So as the day's have gone by, I've pictured my insides playing out in three boxes simultaneously, like when a newscaster is asking three supposed "experts" for their opinions on the latest human drama and each talking head is framed on one screen. So, picture it, a screen with three boxes, each filled with a part of my guts.

One is lamenting the limbo and crying "what will we do?", "what did we get ourselves into?" and "how will we get out of this and go on with 'life as we know it?' " Oh, dear me!

Another is screaming at me and whomever else will listen: "what's wrong with you...go 'get 'er done' ", raise the roof, fight for what's 'rightfully yours', don't bother taking names, just go kick some ass!"

Number three is staying fairly calm and remembering to stay in the present, take action only when necessary, holding steady with hope AND a wait and see attitude. The calm in the intermittent storm, or so I thought.

Then, today I experienced Box number 4. I've experienced this before in my life, and at this point, know it has yet a deeper meaning. It began with a sickening feeling of loss that manifested in a stomach ache. Tears, about anything and everything, fell and fell, then fell some more. Then a sensation that my stomach is being pulled from the inside out and there is no safe ground to go to. What is this experience? The realization that I'm NOT in control, can't will things to "go my way" and that I made a universal request for this experience so that I could challenge my ego to move out of the control center and into partnership. In short, the next step on my spiritual journey...to focus on what I have to offer humanity and let go of my physical/financial/ego concerns. That is what is being asked of me, by the guts in this box. Move over, who you think you are or should be, and move in, true self. True life. True calling.

For any or all of you reading, trying to figure out what this all means...you are not alone. I don't know either. What I realize is that, in the end, this is not about investments, placements, trustees, financial security/future, being a victim, being a victor, boats, a lifestyle or even the outcome. It's about a challenge I (and probably WE) have signed up for that's taking us somewhere in life we didn't consciously decide to go. But since we are going, I'm going to surrender and let it take me. I know it will take me, and us, someplace we really wanted to go deep in our souls. That I trust and that is what I'll be talking about from now on. The rest is just noise.

Thanks for "listening"
I love you, Linda

2009-06-24T18:49:00.000-07:00

What a day, what a day!! Just as my fear about the financial limbo we are living in pushes me into nausea, I get news that shifts it in a blink! My step son Tyler, and his fiancee, Katie, call Lance and ask him to put them on speaker phone. He then proceeds to let us know that they are calling to give us our new "titles". New "titles", we ask? Yes, Grandpa and Grandma! Wow, what an incredible gift! I admit to them that I've been ooing and ahhing over my friend Margaret's beautiful grandaughter and feeling jealous. How this news lifted me! Why, I ask myself. Sure, it's cool news, but to be reduced to a sobbing with happiness mess for 10 minutes after the call goes beyond "cool news." I realize, that in the midst of facing so much uncertainity and possibly loss, an ending of sorts, there is always new life right around the cornor. I knew that, but how amazing it was to be reminded in such a perfect and literal way!!
I also got the pleasure of virtually walking with my son through the process of purchasing a new car. It was fun to be a part of it. Then I realize what I've been doing, as I've been struggling. Removing myself from the precious people...the members of my family...who know and love me the best. Whether they be my family by blood or family by spirit, I've got to remember that they are my touchstone. Always. Thanks for reminding me...especially Tyler, who has known intuitively his whole life the power and connection of family.
Love to all,
Linda

2009-06-23T14:26:00.000-07:00

Sorry sweet blogspot, for abandoning you so completely over the last 8 months! I picture you sitting out here, in cold internet limbo, wondering when or if I'd visit again, to fill your pages. Ah, only I would think to assign human qualities to a blogspot!!

So, I'm here and it has been a bizarre, amazing, difficult and confusing 8 months. As far as writing, I've accomplished more than ever. Though I'm on the third chapter, I've had entire periods where I write every day and really live the story on the page. Other times, like now, I'm in a holding pattern. Part of that is due to a huge financial challenge that threatens to take me back out to the working world. I actually wouldn't mind that much at all, but all is in limbo and there is no clear answer about what way it will come done. Living day to day in that limbo is as big a challenge as I've ever faced. It's truly helping me let go of not just being in control, but knowing anything...and having to just trust, trust, and trust again that all has it's purpose and that my sub or super conscious volunteered for this experience. Too bad my conscious mind was not on board.

Then again, it's happened before in my past and my life came out on the other side more beautiful and profound. So, it will happen again...and again...and possibly again. Let's see, how many more dark night of the souls can I go through before I make the biggest leap? I'm 55 now...I'd say 4 or 5 more at the rate I'm going!!??

This probably won't make sense to anyone but me, and even that's a question mark. But if you are out there and "listening", thanks.

Love all, Linda

2008-10-22T20:05:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

Well, back in the writing saddle again, after yet another respite. As reported before, my internal universe keeps shifting and I am in complete trust that all is happening as it should...even when my mind gets in there and has a fit!

I'm in San Diego with Lance after a 5 week absence from each other. We are spending a lot of time reconnecting and that is perfect for now. When I left Tucson the remodel project was unfinished because of delays and though that was disappointing, Lance and I will be putting it all back together when we get back there mid-November.

Yesterday I sat down for 2 hours and got past the writing block I've had for about 2 months. It felt great and I will be continuing.

Much love to all,
Linda

2008-09-26T21:33:00.000-07:00

It's September 26th (happy birthday, Louise!) and much has happened since I posted on Sept 15th. I'm making some big changes. The two most powerful? Commiting to looking my distractions in the eye and letting go of anything in my life I am not passionate about, and focusing on coming straight from my intuition, felt as a warm energy emanating from my heart. How fabulous this has felt!!!

So, I've worked hard on helping finish the remodel of the house, withdrawn as partner in An Inspiration Station and am working on making any other personal business I have as streamlined as possible.

AND, I'm attending a writers conference this weekend, have written more in the book twice this last week, am attending an intensive/retreat with Jo Dunning (who "taught" me the energy release work) and find following my intuition one of the most powerful experiences I've ever had.

I certainly have my days when my ego is upset about it's power being so diluted, but the peace I'm experiencing the rest of the time makes it all worthwhile!

Thanks for hanging in with me all!
Love, Linda Jane

Back on line

2008-09-15T20:55:00.000-07:00

Hi all...

In the time that has passed since I last wrote, much time has been spent in the company of beloved family and friends. Visiting us on the boat were my nephews Ian and Matthew, daughter RAchel for her August 23rd 32nd birthday, and most recently, Lance's brother, Duke and his wife Sharon. Also, friends Margaret and Terry and then, on our trip to Hawaii, 5 days with one of my oldest and dearest friends, Dianne. I have been able to watch myself move more and more away from the presence of the story I've been carrying and wanting to write. And now I'm attending to a big remodel we are doing on our townhome and it serves as another distraction. It's fascinating to see how I always seem to have so much going on to distract me. The best news, I am aware and know that I will be coming back around to this important story. So, here's a step back towards my writing, and understanding what it will take to focus on it completely. As I finish this remodel and complete some tasks as the family member responsible for selling my parent's home, I am commiting to taking on nothing else and making this writing project my primary focus. I'll be in touch.

Thanks for your energetic and loving support.

Linda

2008-08-16T09:32:00.000-07:00

Saturday AM in the sweet Sun Harbor Marina. We've just learned, via loudspeaker, that John Mitchell won the fish catching competition, bagging a 107.3 lb sea bass. Astounding! I am picturing John, over on the Pt Loma dock, passing beers around and accepting hardy pats on the back for his feat. As much as I love eating fish, you'd think I'd be more accepting of the whole ritual. But something about "sport" fishing leaves me ocean cold. The participants seem so happy to kill the fish after fighting them on a line while writhe and jerk for their lives. Ah well, I'm sure to be naive around the way most of the meat on my dinner plate comes to be there. Enough of that...for now.

Been reading posts on "What's Up On Planet EArth" and find them thouroughly supportive of what I have been going through. Basically, Karen Bishop (the author) covers the ground of our spiritual ascension and what it's doing to our bodies/minds in this time of great change. Most of the symptoms she mentions are recognizable to me and have me wondering if this is so much of what I've been going through over the last 7-8 years when my worldy footing has seemed so unsure. She also speaks of timing and how, if we are hesitating with some project of passion, it could be because the timing is not yet perfect. Yeah. You could think that would give me a perfect excuse to put off my writing, but somehow it propels me to write and see any delay as meaningful and not just me being lazy or scared. Thank you Karen!

Love to all,
Linda

2008-08-14T22:43:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

If a computer had an inkwell, mine would have dried up here over the last two weeks!! I went back to Tucson and spent the better part of the two weeks I was there working on a remodel project for our townhome. Then brought my teenage nephews back over to SD for a three day boat visit. Between traveling and numerous guests at the boat, I won't be back in Tucson until mid-September and needed to make all decisions for the remodel, so that our friend Sandy can "run the job" while we are gone. I spent hours/days searching for the right design, materials and people for the job, though Sandy has been a find and doing a great job coordinating it all. My creative mind, emphasis on mind, was occupied constantly. Now, I'm happy about the remodel (finally getting rid of faux marble in our bathrooms!!), AND I noticed how it occupied me to the point of not getting back to my writing. The ideas for the book have not stopped their trek across my internal creative space, and I'm praying that when I sit back down, it will unfold naturally.

Will keep in touch and for all of you who support me reading this...THANKS!!!

Love, Linda Jane

Silent Week, Deadly week

2008-07-28T10:16:00.000-07:00

Hi all....what a week! After my success in outlining and beginning the book last week, I had an experience of "going backward" in my consciousness, or so I'm labeling it. Who knows what it was exactly. What I do know is that I was not motivated to write, get up in my office..and two days not even get out of bed. I had a myriad of dreams that truly messed with me: one where I was married to my ex, and Lance was with his ex, I was in a house being carried hapharzardly downstream in a flood crashing into a schoolbus, and the topper was dying of ovarian cancer in a hospice, giving up on life. My emotional life has been difficult, with bouts of sobbing, little anger 'fits' and wanting to withdraw from all. Towards the end of this week, I had a social evening planned with friends John, Louise, Robin and Mark. It was a blessing to focus on creating an "event" and though all didn't go as I'd hoped (from food & timing mishaps to inability to go out on the water), it was the highlight in my week. Now, I do believe that movements forward in consciousness will usually be counteracted by steps back. I also feel as though I am releasing more "baggage" and patterns that will not be carried on this journey. Whatever the reasoning, I am going to hang on to trusting that of which I am most passionate about in my life. Continuing to grow and learn as a conscious being, and use whatever gifts I have to offer that to others. Between getting back to doing energy sessions and writing this book, I'm at the cusp, if not feeling ready, to be of service.

Love to all...Linda

Correction

2008-07-20T19:41:00.000-07:00

Just an example of my being a bit "out of it". We hung out with John and Louise on Friday, not Thursday, so that was most of that day. Time seems to be playing with me a bit these days, or my mind is playing a trick on time. Either way, when I stay really present, I notice it's hard to reconstruct what happened when. Not a bad side effect, just feels a bit "spacey".

days of silence

2008-07-20T19:27:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday already and I've not written in the blog or the book. I feel fine about that, but I do miss being in my new creative space! I went up and put flowers in it today and will be back tomorrow to do some writing.

Lance and I had some fun adventures the last couple of days. We hung out with John and Louise the rest of Thursday (FUN!), spent Friday running some errands and just hanging out, biked over to our boat broker on Sat and had a long meeting with him re: getting our current boat on the market in Sept, and then went to see "Momma Mia" (what a totally campy and fun film!). Today I went back to the Farmer's Market and did some clothes shopping in La Jolla. Farmers' markets have become one of my favorite places. Bunches of unique and colorful flowers for $4.00, a local jewelery maker who created the pendant I now wear and associate with the writing of my book (it has "imagine" on it), and loads of local, organic, plush veggies and fruits. Other than fighting the crowds, it's right up there with eating ice cream for me.

The last three days I've been feeling a bit down. After the high of outlining my book, I believe I'm having a bit of a down spell. Probably spilling more uneeded ego attachments out so that there's even more room for creativity to move through. That's my story, anyway!

Love to all,
Linda Jane

success!

2008-07-17T20:43:00.000-07:00

Lance and I lounged a bit this morning, mostly because there was a glorious silence emanating from the fishing boats. We ran some errands and I got up in my creative space later than I thought I would.

I opened up my computer, and went directly to book outline I had begun. In one hour, the entire book was outlined! The fruits of the rather constant focus I have on the content of the book. I find it on my mind when I'm falling asleep, walking, waking up in the morning, brushing my teeth. The backed up thoughts and ideas splashed onto the page with focused force. It was a great feeling!

I've got some research to do, so tomorrow I'll be working a bit on that. We are going to visit with friends John & Louise in the afternoon and evening and that's always a relaxing, fun time.

Grateful for it all. LJ

first day of school

2008-07-16T18:08:00.000-07:00

Well I spent my first day in the new space. It was truly wonderful, and I found myself doing all kinds of busy work that will supposedly open the space to write my book outline. Interesting. I'm unwilling to be in judgment about it all, and I do feel like whatever other business I have to take care of is totally in order now. Can't help feel a bit disappointed that I didn't focus on the book.

I am "booked" into the space for a couple of hours again tomorrow and have no excuses but to focus on the book because all else is in order. Ah, it's that procrastination factor. No worries, it's already in the past and I will remain firmly in the present.

Much love to me and you, Linda

An amazing synchronicity

2008-07-15T21:54:00.000-07:00

About two weeks ago I found myself gawking at the oval shaped office space that overlooks our marina in San Diego. It sits directly next to the Marina office and I knew it had been vacated by the previous tenant about 5 months ago. I wondered aloud to our Dockmaster (an amazing woman named Kathy O'Brien) about the space and it's availability. It occured to me as a perfect creative space for writing and possibly doing my energy sessions. She informed me that it was leased to a working writer, a woman who wasn't there frequently. On a hunch, I asked if she might be interested in sharing the space at all, so that I could have a spot to write, create, energize. Kathy promised she'd speak with this woman as soon as she saw her. The weeks went by and I heard nothing so I figured it might not work out. In addition, I was trying to figure out where I could spend some writing time tomorrow, when Captain Lance is out on a charter.

Then, this evening, I get a call from Kristi, the tenant. She invited me up to speak with her about sharing the space and I couldn't imagine the timing being better. In the midst of our meeting, we both realized it would be a perfect fit and I am going to be sitting in this perfect spot tomorrow, writing. The space exudes the warmth of terra cotta colored walls and the cool breeze of two doors that face each other, opening out to balconies that overlook our pretty little marina. Multi-colored and sized boats, sitting in slips with spots of ocean peaking through the openings between them. And beyond the boats, the outline of the San Diego bay in all it's cerulean sparkling glory.

I consider it a miracle and a big thumbs up from the universe!

a belated thanks

2008-07-14T20:19:00.000-07:00

And thanks to my friend Louise, who reminded me that authors who complete books usually write everyday. Helped get me off my butt!

New chapter, new book

2008-07-14T19:58:00.000-07:00

I'd like to think I'm exercising my writing muscle with this blog, and beginning the habit of writing something each day. So, here are my brief thoughts for today....

I have been doing research for the new book idea and would like to have the whole thing outlined by the end of this week. So, my declaration is that by this upcoming Sunday, July 20th, I will have a full outline of book and a list of any other research I need to do. I know I'm not sharing anything about the concept, but there's a method to my madness here. As my sister-in-law suggested, I'm not talking (or writing anyone) about the book because that means I'm not writing it! So, I'll write about my intentions and let all know what has been completed, but content will be kept undercover for now.

Again, thanks for reading/listening...

A new name?

2008-07-13T08:57:00.000-07:00

When I started this blog, my intuition guided me to use the name Linda Jane. Some of you who know me may wonder why I'm using that, instead of my first and last name. Well, I'm not positive, since I don't normally question my intuition. My guess is that it has something to do with honoring my mother, Jane O'Keefe, who is now busy tending a heavenly garden. The story I heard about my name when I was born, was that my father, who was hoping for a boy unexpectedly decided he wanted to give me my first name. We lived in El Paso, Texas and he had many personal and work friends who spoke Spanish. He was almost fluent in the language and, despite his disappointment about my gender, he was impressed by my eyes when he first saw me as a baby. Later, in Mom's hospital room, he wanted to name me Linda (which means beautiful in spanish). My mom agreed, though wanted to give me a name too, so her first name became my middle. Linda Jane. (Caveat: this was a story my Mom once told me, and I wouldn't be totally shocked if it didn't go down exactly this way...she may have been trying to cheer me up one day when I was complaining about my Dad hating me!) I'll be honest, and never thought my mom's name was very pretty or impressive. But there is something cosmic about me having names both my parent's "gave" me. I like that. So, Linda Jane here.

It's a sunny and loud Sunday morning in the marina. We awoke to megaphone voices calling the day's fishermen out to sea. Our sweet 46' Hunter sailboat sleeps in a slip next door to a slew of fishing boats that haul the local guys out for early morning fishing each weekend. Even that raucous could not disturb the perfection of a San Diego morning on the ocean. We are truly blessed. I'm off to the local farmer's market to get groceries for the week and later today we are going to get a bike for me so Lance and I can tool around Shelter and Harbor Island.

Good morning world.

Virgin blogger

2008-07-12T21:05:00.000-07:00

Well, it's my very first blog. I was inspired by my sister-in-law, a new author, and her description of why she blogs. Simply, she states, its because she loves to write. Blogging is the perfect practicum for that. Thanks Tena!

I also love writing and am working on an exciting idea for a book. A book I will write, this I declare. I've been afraid to speak about it much, even to myself, as doubts of finishing crowd in quickly. Frankly, I've had many ideas for books and been working on one or the other over the last 10 years. I've yet to complete a manuscript. There, I've said it and no hammer of judgment pounded me, as it would have before. So, what's changed....??

Focusing on the past is losing all grip on me. Focusing on the future is next to go. Bottom line, all I'm in is this moment and in this moment I'm excited about starting this blog and writing this book.

Thanks for listening/reading!